Valentine’s Day candy isn’t for me. Boxed-up chocolate blobs, each with its own mystery squirt (TM?), are gross. Worse still are candy hearts. First, they’re essentially Smarties but way, way crappier. Second, as a former teacher, I can’t overlook how poorly written they are.
In 2022, the official candy hearts theme is “words of encouragement,” and the Spangler Candy Company recently announced this year’s crop of sayings. Here are the three worst:
3. YOUDA BEST
This monstrosity of spelling and slang is almost as disgusting as the image it so naturally evokes. You know the one I’m talking about, because I’m sure you’re picturing it right now, too: a life-size sculpture of Yoda made entirely out of gouda cheese, and it’s been sitting out on the patio at this bar mitzvah for a couple hours now, letting a filmy sheen develop that’s glistening in the sun and, every so often, catches the eye of Mr. and Mrs. Abrams’ beloved King Charles terrier, Spud, who becomes momentarily agitated, and you may be a little high right now, but you’re still pretty sure “Spud licking it, you saw” on your way back from the bathroom. Yuck.
2. PROUD OF U, U GOT THIS and GO 4 IT (3-Way Tie)
Unless the ghost of Prince haunts the Spangler Candy Company’s undoubtedly sticky halls, these are terrible. In part, this rot is because they’re inconsistent. If you’re going to start swapping in U’s like it’s 2006 and you’re nursing a wicked case of Nokia Thumb, that’s fine (I guess). But you need to do it across the entire line.
I’m looking at U, “BE YOU.”
D C was angry that day, U C? R!
The other reason why these are awful sayings for Valentine’s Day candy is that I can’t stop hearing the “Go for It” song from Saved by the Bell. And now I’m going to go have to watch the video on YouTube.
And now you are, too. Sorry.
Grade: F, F, and F
1. Fear Less
“Fearless” is an at-times wonderful adjective that means “brave.” “Fear less” is a directive to be afraid of fewer things.
In 2022? Go to hell, Spangler.
As long as Labor Day exists, Valentine’s Day candy will never be the worst holiday sweets.
Nougat-filled putty knife, anyone? #LaborDayCandy
Ye olde V-Day staples do need an upgrade, though, and here’s what I propose:
the candy hearts get a punch-up by a Level 3 or higher writing class at Second City (Toronto’s fine); and
the box of mystery squirts is replaced with a herd of Reese’s hearts because — just like how you and I both pictured Aaron Abrams’ bar mitzvah above — we both know Reese’s peanut butter always tastes better in a holiday shape.
Which holiday Reese’s icon reigns supreme in your household? Rep your tree, pumpkin, heart or egg in the comments below! #TeamEgg4Eva